So You've Had a Bad Day

Let's face it guys, s*#t happens, ranging from big traumas to relatively much smaller ones. People get sick, people lose their cellphones, people other people love die, people have car accidents, people fall down, people have stuff get stolen, people dent their car, people are mildly disturbed by an inappropriate comment, people have cruddy days, people get stuck in elevators, people get stuck in traffic, people get stalked by creepers/creeper old men, people watch terrifying children's movies, people get lost in the rural South and then panic and proceed to drive at 90 miles an hour in the middle of nowhere in the wrong direction for an hour and a half...

Not that that last one has happened to anyone or anything.

But sometimes bad things happen, and if you're like me, you need some snuggles to make it all better. I know my nerves personally get fried sometimes due to a variety of reasons both serious and ridiculous, and one of the best ways to get me back to my normal semi-functional typical self is with snuggles! There's nothing quite like having somebody you know gives a damn wrapped around you, even if you're not quite yourself. So here are my tips for bad day/event related snuggles:

Patience is lovely and berry berry important. I know though it's like that icon of icons Madonna says, "time goes by so slowly," especially when you're upset or someone you care about is upset, so just remember that what's important is to be patient and not freak out if you're not cheered up/cheering some one up very expeditiously (wow. Expeditiously is a pretty long word now that I think about it. Awesome.). I know if I'm really upset, I don't always want to be touched right away, and it really depends on what has upset me.

It's also important to remember that you might not know everything about somebody's past, and that they might have issues with particular aspects of snuggling (This applies for all the time, but I know it can escalate when people are upset).

Be extra gentle. The upset spoon gets dibs obviously on whether he/she wants to be big or little, or if they just want hugs or another style of cuddles. Back rubs for the win to make the tension go away that tends to build up in people's shoulders/necks/backs. I know snuggling someone rigid or someone nearly curled up in the fetal position can be hard (no one ever wants to snuggle a fetus. Unless they're like a TOTAL freak or something.), but it's definitely worth it to help calm your utensil in need down. Making someone feel happy and safe is a wonderful gift, which is rather cliche, I know, but it's true. Also, playing with or petting someone's hair can be a great option, too; it tends to be very calming. People are surprisingly a lot like puppies and kitties in the way they physically respond to touch and demonstrations of affection. Some people even purr, and I know a guy whose leg wiggles like a puppy's if you play with his hair. It's greatly amusing.

Anywho, you don't have to say a lot if you don't have anything to say - what's important is that you're there with your special spoon, which I know sounds supa cliche. Wow, that makes for 2 epic cliches in one post. But whatever. It's life. Cliches make the world go round. Deal with it.

Also, since this was kind of a serious post, I'm going to blog about something super happy later, like spoon tunes!

Happy spooning!

P.S. I'm participating in a new blog about Unconventional Christians, written entirely by some delightfully unconventional people! If you've been following this blog, or if you personally know me, then I guess you know that I'm pretty unconventional in general. So, if you'd like to listen to me and some other people whom I promise are way cooler than me blab a little bit about our religious views and whatnot, you can check it out here. It's just getting started, but I think it'll shape up into a pretty cool thingermajig. Yes, I just said thingermajig; you read correctly. Congratulations, you're literate! :)

Cyber Spooning - It Happens

Spooning withdrawal.

It's happening.

Ugh.

So spooning withdrawal is definitely a legit thing, and it kind of bites. I find that if I've had oodles of snuggles lately, suddenly going without for a period of time from 24 hours+ can be a little sad.

How do you tell if you have spooning withdrawal, you say?

Symptoms may include:

your skin feeling lonely or particularly sensitive

you smelling like yourself rather than snuggly other people

cold hands

restlessness

inability to sleep

desire to hug random strangers

clinginess with people with whom you do not usually snuggle/spoon

vast quantities of childhood stuffed animals in your bed

hugging yourself periodically

daydreams of snuggles

slight compulsion to consume juice boxes (okay so that's probably just me)

excessive desire to blog about snuggling (okay, probably also just me)

Anywho, you may be without your usual silverware at some point, be it due to vacation, general chaos, or midterms, and you've got to deal.

So how do you deal? While I have yet to develop a full scale 12 steps, here are some general tips:

• surround yourself with pillows/stuffed animals/fluffy blankets
  
• take a warm bath. It's like tiny liquid big spoons for your pores. Yep, that's a weird comparison. Good times, good times.
  
• take a shower, because it's like a vertical bath mixed with man made rain
• watch a movie that doesn't make you want to cuddle out of terror/happiness, if such a thing exists (Then again, I find a terrible lot of movies are terrifying at some point or another, including The Lion King, Happy Feet, and Jurassic Park.)
  
• write a poem about spooning
  
• write a blog about spooning
  
• drown your sorrows in homework
• hug your dog/mom/neighbor/life size Barbie
  
• dance naked. Preferably, with your curtains drawn and your door locked, because sometimes some people don't appreciate true art.
• daydream about past snuggles or future snuggles you would like to have
• make lists of epic places to snuggle. On a window washer thingy outside of a building? On a ferris wheel? On a boat?
• count some spoons (not sheep. spoons>sheep. Sheep smell icky. Spoons are cuddly. Clearly, spoons win.) and get some ZZZZ's
• cyber spooning with one of your fave spoons. This requires you to really think of some excellent cuddle-related verbs if you want to get any actual satisfaction out of this.
• enjoy a hobby that takes all of your focus, like building model air planes. Or building a model of the Millennium Falcon out of gumdrops. Or masturbating.

I hope these help!

Happy un-spooning, ya'll (I'm using the mother tongue in honor of my current locale!)!

Ice Ice Spoony

Confession: I don't post every day, or at least I haven't lately. It's not that I don't adore blogging about spooning, but I just happen to like actual spooning even better. Sorry guys. But how can I properly inform you in regards to spooning if I don't practice a lot? It'd be like Miss Manners never ever sending a thank you note or something, and that's just wrong.

Essentially, you can bet if I'm not posting, I'm either enjoy some cuddle time IRL, or I'm just splashing in a big pool of homework-y goodness. Mmmm homework-y goodness. JK. Kind of. Knowledge for the win. Procrastination for the lose.

But snuggles+procrastination for the epic win.

So I thought I'd focus on something I touch on a lot - snuggling a cold spoon.

So stop. Collaborate and listen.

Lil Spoon's back with a brand new mission.

Just grab ahold of your spoon tightly,

hold the cold hands both daily and nightly.

Will it ever stop, yo, I don't know.

Turn off the lights, and scoot close.

To the extreme hold the spoon like a vandal;

warm your spoon up like you was a candle.

Hug, get close, to the spoon that's for you;

she's feeling quite chilly like feet of a new groom.

Get close, like notes in a melody;

Anything less than the best is a felony.

Love it or leave it; you better not wait.

You better get close, this spoon don't play.

If there's spoon problems, yo I'll solve it.

Check out my hook while the big spoon revolves it.

Ice Ice Spoony.

Feel loved. I don't write internet parodies of nineties hits for just anybody you know.

Although there was that one time that I did MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" but I made all the lyrics MC Escher related. That was nice.

Essentially, if you've got a cold little/big spoon, accommodate each other! Hold hands, cuddle closer for warmth, place body parts between other body parts and the remarkably cold ground. Tuck hands into pockets, place them around necks, scoot close, switch front and back, intertwine legs/arms for maximum contact and subsequent warmth. This is a fairly straightforward one. Granted, some of these are more necessary for when you are snuggling in the actual cold (or what I would consider cold, considering as a Southern lady, I find most temperatures below 60 to be remarkably chilly. Yes, I'm a legit  Southern lady for those of ya'll who just internally LOLed a little.) But if you're inside, and just a little cool, just scoot a little closer, maybe opt for a blanket, and get your warlock/interlock/wrap on.

Happy spooning!

It'd Suck to Big Spoon Rapunzel

So sometimes in life you come to a crossroads. Now I'm not talking a BIG LIFE CHOICE like do I want to go to med school or law school, or BIG LIFE CHOICE do I want to ask person x out, or even BIG LIFE CHOICE will I be terrified out of my mind if I watch Jurassic Park. And then you angst. Just a little bit. Not like Harry in Potter Puppet Pals "Wizard Angst." More like general pout inducing frustration, like my dry erase board marker is out of ink, or I forgot to water my plant again.

So what is my current cause of spooning angst? My hair.

You see, I have WAY too much hair. And I have to admit, I love it. It makes me feel princess-y, and it's supa fun to brush it. I feel like the perfect curly haired barbie I always wanted. I was never satisfied with their inferior lustrousness and bounce of their fake curls, and I feel like mine has hit that place Barbie was never able to reach. It's swishy and happy and fun, not too curly, not too straight. To quote one of my favorite children's stories, it's what Goldilocks would call "just right."

I promise, this isn't just an excuse to talk about my hair and how much I love it.

Okay, maybe it is just a little bit. But, it keeps getting in the way when I'm snuggling! Keep in mind, I tend to snuggle a lot. I hope you do too. But when I snuggle, I have to put it up or else I feel like I'm going to suffocate somebody if I'm a little spoon! And generally, I am ridiculously fond of my big spoons, and I prefer them...well...alive. (Necrophilia+spooning for the lose. Just in case you were wondering. Ew. Gross gross gross.) Think about Rapunzel with her ridiculously long braid. How much would it suck to be her big spoon? Um, SO MUCH. Her hair would be like having a boa constrictor to cuddle with, beyond just an adorable princess. That's pretty sucky. No one wants to cuddle a boa constrictor and a princess. At least, no sane person.

So what all of this boils down to is that having a little spoon with copious amounts of curls (or straight locks) can be a tricky thing.

Anywho, I thought I'd provide some words of pseudo-wisdom about hair angst.

Ponytails are your friend, as are buns. However, they can form a barrier between you and your big spoon if not done so as to allow for forthcoming physical contact. No one wants to stick their face into a bun on the back of your head (Especially if you have bobby pins. Safety first, dear spoons.). So, plan ahead. Use a ponytail holder. You can also adjust your hair depending on what side you're lying on. You're smart utensils. I'm sure you can figure this sort of thing out.

Or, you can tuck your hair out of the way, opposite of the direction of your big spoon's lovely face, and if you end up getting tangled or your hair pulled in some weird way, you can always communicate this to your big spoon very kindly, and he/she will certainly adjust for you. If not, then honey, you need to find yourself a more accommodating big spoon. You should be comfortable enough with anybody your spooning with to ask for such adjustments though. Being not in pain is a good thing, and it's especially a good thing when the point of what you're doing is inducing general comfort and happiness.

Or, if you're really that intense about your spooning, you can just shave your head. But I'm pretty intense about my spooning, and I damn sure ain't doing that. See, that's how serious I am. I've reverted to my mother tongue (Southerner), in order to express how much I do not want to shave my head.

Also, for long and short haired spoons alike, delightful smelling shampoo is definitely a plus. If you're spooning with someone regularly, they will generally come to know and love your shampoo scent, so it helps if it's gosh darn delicious to begin with. (Ew, I just ended a sentence with a preposition. But I'm lazy. So deal with it.)

Happy spooning!

The Full on Ladle

Okay, so I’m sure you’re all “what’s a full on ladle?” And if you’re not, then that’s weird, because it’s something I made up.

As the term suggests, ladling is a little more intense than spooning. However, it’s not like sporking or forking. Ladling is simply an alternative arm style, and it can be pretty hard to master. Not like being a ninja is hard to master. More like internet mahjong is hard to master. Although internet mahjong can be pretty hard. So more getting the perfect proportions of PB to J can be hard to master. It can be done fairly easily; it just takes a little practice.

Honestly, most snugglers I have encountered don’t full on ladle. In fact, very few do. It can be uncomfortable, and it has to be done in the right setting. And what is that setting? Why the bedroom of course! I mean that in a completely non suggestive way. Beds are nice for cuddling because they’re soft and pillowy.

So I’m sure at this point, you’re all going OH EM GEE what is ladling? And since it’s not like you have ESPN or something (10 points to whoever gets the reference – and like in Whose Line, the points don’t matter), I guess I’m just going to have to straight out tell you. Ladling is when the big spoon takes their underneath arm and wraps it under the little spoon’s body, wrapping them in a full on embrace. Thus, you are more surrounded than in a typical spooning, making it – insert trumpet fanfare here – a full on ladle.

So why is this so hard? It’s just a weird hug lying down right? Um wrong. How wrong? That’s as wrong as saying  that Blue always finds four clues, or that Big Brother isn’t watching you, or saying that Sexy Bitch is not my theme song. That’s how wrong it is.

Basically, it’s hard just because it can be an awkward arm position. If you’re on anything besides a nice soft bed/couch, there’s a good chance the big spoon’s arm won’t be so super comfy, or that they may lose feeling in their fingers at some point. But ladling can be fun, especially if you’re being silly or trying to comfort someone or just trying to steal extra body heat from someone (yeah, I know it’s a recurring theme…I’m REALLY cold all the time.). So, if your big spoon is talented enough to make both of you comfy while doing it, go for it, my sweet silverware snugglers! It’s not like it’s any sketchier than normal spooning; it’s just a little more warm and toasty and happy. It’s just an extra special hug, for your extra special inner spoon.

Happy Ladling!

Why I Don't Spoon with Darth Vader

So yesterday, I mentioned that today's post would be about breathing. Big surprise - today's post is about...breathing!

Everybody breathes. Just like everybody poops, which is that really bizarre book from the nineties or something. So, breathing and spooning kind of go hand in hand in a very natural way, like peanut butter and jelly, or Bert and Ernie. It just makes sense.

This post is going to focus on the big spoon, because the little spoon can pretty much breathe however he/she wants and no one can give a damn because he/she is not breathing directly near somebody else's body.

It has come to my attention that a big no-no is mouth breathing while being the big spoon. Nobody likes a mouth breather. And sure as I've said that, somebody probably has some bizarre mouth breathing fetish (if some people have that fetish involving glue and frogs - NOT ME EW - I'm sure a mouth breathing fetishist is out there), but most people find somebody holding them close and breathing out of their mouth and into their hair/neck pretty gosh darn gross.

It's kind of like Darth Vader being your big, black plastic spoon. Just imagine, he's holding you close on some celestial starship, and it's nice, right? It's been a long day in the galaxy far far away and a little spooning is just what you need. And then all of a sudden you feel the creepy breaths out of his triangle shaped mouth piece on the back of your neck, and your spine pretty much freezes in sheer horror due to the utter grossness. At that point, Jar Jar Binx might be a preferable option. This is a problem.

So, don't be a mouth breather. It's gross. Breathe through your nose, and breathe normally. Just don't think about it.

However, now that I've said that, there's just a leeeeeetle problem. Thinking about your breathing makes you breathe in strange ways. This random German play by Peter Hanke from the 60's talks a lot about that, just in case you wanted to know. Think of it this way, it's like I told you not to think of a pink elephant. What're you probably thinking about? Some sort of glorious pink pachyderm. And if you're me, then you're imagining it tap dancing in a tutu. You know you're jealous. Essentially, you're probably a little more conscious of your breathing right now than you would usually be simply because I've told you NOT to focus on it so much. So basically, just try to keep it real. If you catch yourself as a big spoon mouth breathing, adjust.

But what if you're sick? Then ask if you can be the little spoon for convenience's sake. You could probably use the sheer comfort of being surrounded if you're physically ailing anyways. Being a sick little spoon can be very comforting. It's like chicken noodle soup, but you're your own spoon, delivering your own comfort all over your body! Okay, weird metaphor. I'm a little out of it due to some intensive tickles that are happening right now as I write.

So, some nice things about breathing. I thought I'd mix it up a little, since I've been a little bit of a breathing pedant tonight. You can do pretty fun things with your breath by breathing in different ways, especially once you get to know your little spoon. Some people have particularly sensitive backs of their necks or sensitive ears. However, this tends to get pretty intimate pretty quickly. Unless you don't want to get to sporking (or subsequently to forking), this may not be the best idea. But if you're particularly close to your little spoon, you can always experiment. Or if you really feel like getting crazy, you could ask them what they like! I know, crazy concept right - actually talking with your fellow snuggle utensil about their preferences.

Anyways, breathing is good! Do it while spooning! But not in a weird way.

Happy spooning!

I Wanna Hold Your Hand…

Recently, my friends have been reading about the many uses of the hand in a history and science related course. Of course, in my humble opinion, the most important usage of the hand is not to grasp any particular thing, but rather to grasp a particular person when (you guessed it) spooning!

Hands are one of those finer details in regard to spooning, like adding page numbers to your paper or flossing your teeth. It’s not a big thing, but it can make a big difference. And yes, I just compared handholding to waxy peppermint stuff that goes near your gumline.

Some people don’t go for handholding, in which case, just ignore this post, and don’t worry about it. You can just skip this post, and look forward to my next one, which hopefully will apply to you, considering it’s going to be about breathing, and hopefully you all breathe at least a little bit. Anywho, some people like handholding; I’m personally ridiculously fond of it, in case you randomly wanted to know. It forges this instant bond between you, like when Harry and Voldemort’s wands connect in Goblet of Fire, only in a happy snuggles meets happy snuggles kind of way, not in a good meets evil kind of way. But it is pretty magical. Whether you’re romantic or platonic spoons, it can be nice to just have that other person there.

So there are two basic handholding styles: the wrap and the interlock, and then there’s the nice little combo of the two, which I’m going to call warlock, just because it’s kind of a combination of “wrap” and “interlock” if you squint hard enough, and because it just plain makes me happy. The interlock is your traditional handhold, with interlaced fingers, palm to palm. The wrap (and I mean wrap as in fancy coat, not as in an alternative sandwich, just so you know) is just what it sounds like, one spoon wrapping the other spoon’s hand in their hand, basically surrounding it, palm to back of hand. It’s generally easier to have the big spoon be the outside hand in the wrap. The warlock is essentially taking the wrap basic position (palm to back of hand) and interlocking fingers from there, which creates an intense handhold that I have to admit looks pretty gosh darn cute.

Feel like taking it to the next level? Fidget with each other’s fingers. It can either be awkward, or incredibly nice, although it tends to be nicest when you’re so tired that the fact that the other person has fingers is pretty much the coolest concept EVER. Or, just move your fingers in your handhold so that you basically end up petting the other person’s fingers just a little bit. Okay, so when put that way, it sounds pretty creepy, but I promise, when done well, it’s one of the best things in the world.

Also, if you have a temperature challenged spoon with hands the temperature of a slushy, it can be nice to warm up said spoon’s hands if you are the more fortunate temperature oriented spoon. Believe me, the cold spoon and his/her hands will be very grateful.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Or else, I know what you’re not thinking. It’s definitely one of the two. But OH EM GEE, what if my hand gets sweaty? Wipe it off. Take a handholding break. Let the big spoon rest his/her hand on the little spoon’s arm instead. You can feel just as close without getting your hand hold on. No biggie.

In short, hand holding can be a fun addition to your spooning repertoire!

Happy spooning!