When Awkward Turtles Attack

So...when spooning gets...awkward..............

Not like oh-my-word-this-is-so-awkward-I-wish-one-of-the-worms-from-Tremors-would-come-eat-me-alike awkward. More like middle school dance awkward, where you avoid eyecontact as you slow dance. Though I'm sure for some of you, the Tremor-worm-awkward and the middle school dance awkward are the same thing. (Heck, I'll admit it, they are for me.)

Anyways, spooning can get awkward and get awkward fast. Now I know past entries have been filled with tips, and I've specifically chosen topics that will hopefully enable you to minimize the awkward, but still, occasional awkwardness is as inevitable as spooning is awesome.

So, say something awkward happens (i.e. someone falls off the bed, someone toots, you spontaneously burst into an inappropriate song, your mom calls, someone is inappropriately aroused, your hair gets tangled on your watch, etc.). You have the following options:
#1. Ignore the awkward. It can be like covering the pink elephant in the room with yellow wallpaper, but sometimes, the elephant conveniently wanders out the door.
#2. Run out of the room screaming (preferrably screaming obscenities or the lyrics to Spice Girls songs-ZIG A ZIG AH!). This will be MORE awkward, making the previous awkward moment pale in comparison so much that hopefully your fellow spoon will forget about it.
#3. Make a joke. The joke can be relevant to the situation "I'm practicing for my career as a champion bed-faller-offer!" Or it can just be a normal joke, like "Why did the chicken cross the playground?" "To get to the other slide!" Or, you can make it a really dumb joke, like "Why did the chicken cross the road?...Mayonnaise!" Again, your spooning buddy will forget about whatever awkward thing just occurred and hopefully surrender to an onslaught of giggles...or else they'll just be really confused. Either way, the awkwardness gets diffused!
#4. Call in the ROFLcopters. Those LOLcats are right: LOLing fixes everything. So just make this face, have a nice laugh, and it will all be okay!

Hopefully that will help some. At any rate, they seem to work for me, especially the Spice Girls one. That one's a classic.

Happy spooning! (And happy awkward turtle slaying!)

a Spoonion to remember

Yep, after a long hiatus (caused by a decided lack of spoony people in my life), spoon facts is back with a vengeance.

I'm about to be reunited with some of the snuggliest people on earth. We're talking a reunion as epic as watching re-runs of Invader Zim people. It'll be a spoonion to remember. Spoonion-a reunion of people who spoon together. Yes, it has the word "onion" in it, but it has nothing to do with everyone's favorite layer filled root veggie.

So, what do you do when you're out of practice with the spooning?

The answer: pillows and teddy bears. Take your spooning position of choice and place pillow/bear accordingly so that it is acting as the appropriate big/little spoon. Get cozy. If you're me, you'll fall asleep out of sheer happiness. Not that happiness makes me sleepy. Well, sometimes. But you'll be supa comfy, so comfy that you'll feel like you're in one of those weird philadelphia cream cheese comercials set in heaven among the fluffy clouds. Mmmmm, cream cheese. Mmmmm, comfy clouds.

Prepare yourself for the fact that when your pillow/bear is replaced by a real human being, they will be physically warmer, so dress accordingly. Tank tops and baggy boy boxers are always appropriate spooning attire, and my uniform of choice for spooning. But in all honesty, though this IS the outfit to end all outfits, you can spoon in any outfit, rendering this entire section moot, so long as you have air conditioning or don't care about getting sweaty. (It is summer time after all.)

You will also have to re-acclimate yourself to the movement of other people and their respective curves. This is a case by case thing though, so just use past spoonfacts to adjust and get comfy with your spooning buddy.

HAPPY SPOONION!

Spice up your spooning...with menthol

Tis the season for allergies, my friends! I didn't know I had allergies, but it turns out I do! It's really exciting! Taking this fact into account along with the fact that I have recently had a request for talking about spooning and specifically coughing, I thought it was about time to dedicate a post specifically to a super sexy internal organ's relation to coughing - that being the LUNGS!

In my experience, coughing and spooning is a combination so sucky it makes the Noo-noo on Teletubbies look like it doesn't suck at all. And for those of you who don't know, the noo-noo is basically a giant vaccuum cleaner. Nothing is worse than being mid-cuddly moment and finding that you have a tickle in your throat, and knowing that that jolting, obnoxious cough is coming. Or maybe you have a ninja cough, where it just sneaks up on you. Even worse.

Damn ninjas, being all sneaky and whatnot. But unlike ninjas, coughing is not sexy or exciting.

But there's a good chance that the person you're spooning with won't mind too much. Generally, they'll try to be a good sport about it, and maybe even give you a little extra TLC in light of your exhalation issues. Of course, you should behave in a similar manner towards them should they be stricken with a cough.

Of course, you can always opt for some cough medicine, or my personal favorite, that candy-esque jewel that soothes spasming throats, the cough drop. It might be a good idea to opt for a cough drop flavor that your fellow spoon doesn't mind, especially if this is a regular spooning partner. Cherry menthol or anything ricola are my personal favorite. Definitely check out the ricola link in this post; it is definitely worth 30 seconds of your life.

(You know what's also worth 30 seconds of your life? SPOONING.)

Anyways, if you're more involved with your fellow spoon, you may have to reevaluate the whole kissing/coughdrops thing, but I'll leave that to you. You're smart. I'm sure you can figure it out. Just don't choke on a cough drop while kissing someone. Talk about a moment ruiner.

Other good options to fighting the evil that is the cough include liquids. Being hydrated is good for you anyways.

Anyways, feel better and best of luck fighting any cough that you may stumble upon!

Happy spooning! (And happy spring allergy season!)

Sleeping Beauty has morning mouth.

I'm pretty sure Sleeping Beauty must have had a killer case of morning mouth. Never mind the dragon outside the castle; no fairy's spell could manage to keep a princess' breath Listerine fresh for 100 years. So when her prince found her and woke her with a kiss, I really doubt it was as magical as Disney makes it seem to be. In fact, it would probably be pretty disgusting.

And she'd probably suck at spooning. If I'd slept in one position for literally ages, I'm pretty sure I would struggle with being an accommodating sleep-mate when my ideal life-partner suddenly appeared and woke me up, let alone accomplishing the feat of sleep-spooning.

So don't be a sleeping beauty and try to be a good spoon-sleeper. Here're my thoughts on how to make that happen:
Spontaneous snuggle-sleep is a good thing. If you're so comfortable with someone that you just drift off naturally, (A) clearly you've got a good spoon there, hang on to him/her, and (B) sweet dreams!
Already be super comfortable with the person you're sleeping next to, and be comfortable enough to rearrange if need be. Sleep-spooning is only a good thing if you don't wake up with a crick in your neck. I would recommend just adopting your favorite awake spooning position (whatever hand holdings/leg-layerings/hair situations etc. that you prefer) and just letting yourself fully relax in that position and drift off.
You're probably going to have to learn to sleep next to someone, unless you're either so exhausted it just happens naturally or you magically can sleep next to him/her and sleep well. Give yourself time; there's definitely a learning curve. Enjoy the process of learning! As School House Rock says, it's great to learn, 'cause knowledge is power!

Also, blankets are optional. (Also, clothing is optional, but that's a different story entirely.) It's really easy to get overheated sleeping this way; being curled up together tends to result in a lot of shared body heat. In my opinion, the electric blanket is a definite no-no unless you live in arctic fox friendly environments...or unless it's just really ridiculously cold some nights. Layers are your friends; you can always throw the top layer off if need be (so maybe you can consider them your fair-weather friends). Or, if you get chilly, you can always add another layer.

Dreams also create another interesting situation. I know if I have a bad dream and I'm sleeping in your arms, I'll probably wake you up, either when I jolt awake or because I lie there all panicky for a couple of minutes and I get tense (and it's pretty easy to tell when you're suddenly spooning someone who is absolutely rigid with post-nightmare panic, however brief it may be). And I'll feel super awful about it, because I don't want to wake somebody sleeping soundly up with my crazy accidental panic! But then I'll go back to sleep. It's obnoxious; even I admit it. Or sometimes, you have a cold and you just can't help coughing, or maybe you always wake up at 2 am and sneeze or something (that I don't do). The moral of this story: people have weird sleep habits. Everybody's got one. Hopefully you're comfortable enough with your spoon that your sleep quirks won't annoy them too much and vice versa, or that you can at least articulate to them if they're driving you crazy with their obsessive need to reset the alarm clock at 4 am or something. Otherwise, you might want to re-evaluate your spoonship (spoon-relationship), be it platonic or romatic or something else entirely. But that's just my opinion on that one and a friendly suggestion at best. You do what you want! :)

Happy spooning, and sweet dreams!

I'm big on basking.

Honestly, spooning has very little to do with romance in my personal experience. I spoon with a great number of my friends. They're like stuffed animals, that you can actually talk to and that have actual body heat. And that have less fuzz.
Though if you squeeze too tight, they do admittedly experience pain, so don't do that.

And then there are the people who are better than stuffed animals for cuddling. Okay, so almost anyone is. But there are the people towards whom you're romantically inclined (most people don't feel romantically inclined towards stuffed animals...though there is that pretty creeptastic phenomenon with the Japanese pillow dolls.), and being romantically inclined can take spooning to a different level.

Anyways, to borrow a term from middle school, spooning with someone you "like-like" is just a little more fun. (Note: urban dictionary, that esteemed source of knowledge, defines "like-like" as more than a crush but less than love.) It could involve more physical contact; it could be the same as spooning with one of your other friends except for it makes you smile a little bit extra inside.

Also, it could involve less clothing. Though for me, that's really not the case. What's a little spooning in your underwear between good friends? At least in my book, that's a fun way to spend a bizarre evening. And I swear no alcohol was involved. It did involve a bunny...and a cat...and pancakes...but no alcohol! Clothing-optional/minimal-ness if of course always your own personal call (and just because you can never hear this too many times- you are always entitled to say no or change your mind. Anyone who ever tells you or makes you feel otherwise needs to GTFO and is not worthy of spooning with you. I pinky-promise. And I don't break pinky-promises. They're fricking sacred. Check out this wikipedia article if you don't believe me. It includes what I consider The Laws of the Pinky Promise.).

There are more ways to show you like somebody than with a lack of clothing anyways. You can always opt for kisses, hugs, or just bask in the happiness. I'm big on basking. I'd totally recommend it.

So happy spooning!

The Good, the Bad, and the Body Wash

When I get all my work done in a timely manner, I get to use "the good soap." The good soap is Caress' Tahitian Renewal body wash. It smells ridiculously amazing, sweet, with hints of pomegranate and Tahitian palm milk. After a shower, I smell absolutely delicious, if I do say so myself. If I haven't finished my work in a timely manner, I have to use "the bad soap," which still smells pretty good, but it's a little bit inferior. It has a very strong sent of pomegranate and mango which can be a little overwhelming, but ultimately is still enjoyable.

Obviously, the point of this post isn't that olfactory motivation can be helpful in preventing procrastination -although that is incredibly true. No, my point is that having your own delightful personal scent can make you an even more enjoyable spooning partner. From Polo Black (one of my own personal weaknesses) to Axe (which is sometimes delightful and sometimes completely overpowering/downright disgusting smelling) to plain old Dove soap to GAP So Pink, find what works for you and makes you feel happy. It could be soap, cologne, perfume, shampoo, even whatever laundry detergent you wash your clothes in. You'll enjoy smelling delightful, and I'm sure your spooning buddies will appreciate it, too.

On that note, bathe. Regularly. And wash your clothes. Regularly. No one wants to spoon with someone who smells like Oscar the Grouch, even if he is grumpily adorable.

Happy spooning! (And smelling!)

The Chosen One

I was putting some spoons away in a drawer today, and I got really irritated at them because they refused to stay in their tidy vertical stack, especially when I attempted to close the drawer with a supa sexy hip bump.
The more spoons I added, the more easily my leaning tower of spoons fell. It was disappointing.

Then, I remembered the weird way I used to stack spoons when I was six.
I would take them so that all the bowl parts lined up, but let every other handle go towards the right so that the handles, which are generally pretty thick, wouldn't make the spoon tower as tall.
You heard me right - at age 6, I had a strategy to perfect spoon stacking stability. And yes, I know what you're thinking. Clearly, Lil Spoon must be The Chosen One, the one who can bring harmony to silverware drawers all over the world, the one we've been waiting for since the 13th Century.

Lol. If only a skill that useless could contribute to the betterment of the world.
Anyways, I stopped doing this because my mother designated me as The Chosen One (okay, as the family spoon stacker), and what six-year-old kid wants to be the spoon stacker and get called away from whatever Boxcar Children book or Arthur episode she is engrossed in just to stack spoons, which takes a good bit of time and patience when you're six and not particularly coordinated? Not I.

So what does this have to do with you, an actual human being who probably just puts spoons in a drawer like a normal person? Not a lot actually, beyond my admitting that like arranging spoons in a drawer, spooning with multiple people can get complicated. Let's face it-human beings who spoon have way more appendages than just the metal eating utensil. Things get crazy - too many legs/arms/appendages everywhere, a tremendous amount of body heat getting produced, various issues involving the height of your spoons...BUT if you take the time to strategize a little bit as you start spooning, it can be much more enjoyable. If you're spooning with a lot of people, you can organize by height. You can organize by couple if you're spooning with a bunch of dating people (which can get awkward at times, especially if you're the only single person or something - thus the strategizing can help you make it less awkward for yourself.)

Plan ahead. Channel your inner boyscout and be prepared! And then, channel your inner gymnast, and be flexible (both figuratively and literally!)!

My Hips Don't Lie

Okay, so regular posting epic fail. Life - it happens.
Anywho, I'm attempting to hop back on the blogging train! After all, spooning happens on a daily basis, so my blogging about it should, too.

Essentially, hips are important, especially if you're a girl or you're spooning with a girl (and in some cases both apply!) Although I know some gentlemen - especially some super spicy salsa dancers - with particularly fabulous hips, I think of hips as a primarily female feature. Granted, everybody walking around has hips, but the sheer sexy curviness of hips lies primarily in woman's domain in my personal (and admittedly heavily biased - but it's my blog, that's kind of the point) opinion.

Let's face it - hips are important. Even Barbie has semi-functional hips, even though her knees don't work. Sure, her boobs are so big and her feet so wacky that she would fall over and be completely immobile if she were a real person, but hey, she can sit and do the splits and work some hot little dresses because she's got those hips! Not only do hips let your legs move, but they're sexy. How could we be expected to shake it like a Polaroid picture without hips? Would Shakira be the goddess she is and would Elvis clocks be nearly as awesome without hips?

Ummm...NO!

So how do hips work into spooning? Hips create the perfect groove for resting a big spoon's over arm. Furthermore, hips allow you to master The Leap if you're a big spoon. And now you're wondering what's The Leap, right? The Leap is short for The Leg-Wrap, and furthermore it constitutes a big leap in comfort levels between spoons. I'm not talking a Batman leaping between buildings type leap. I'm talking more one of those awkward person-on-a-trampoline type leaps, small, but taking a little consideration and thought.

If you're comfortable with your little spoon, you can opt to wrap your leg over their body, pulling them closer. This takes a wee bit of flexibility, but it's totally worth it. And if you're really bendy (like Bend It Like Beckam bendy), you can opt to put your leg up and over your little spoon's hip! This can get uncomfortable after a while, but it can be nice. It's also pretty intimate, because it gets you really close, and by "you" I mean "your pelvises." So...on that note, enjoy!

Happy spooning!